The Truth is Grief Never Goes Away…

When I was hit with loss, the first thing I thought was ok, I just have to get through this pain, and it will all be ok. Losing my late husband Jason was the most impactful loss I’ve ever gone through. I had lost 3 grandparents in my childhood, that was very heartbreaking, especially my one grandma who I was very close to. But it wasn’t life altering and didn’t turn my whole world upside down. I was shown as a child that we grieve during the funeral, and life just carries on from there.

But my life didn’t continue on after Jason’s funeral, it was still ripped to shreds without knowing how to even begin to just carry on. I was a walking zombie who felt like I had died too. Subconsciously a part of me felt like I always had to get over it and push the pain aside even as I learned that its not the truth of grief. Not if you want to heal properly and truly honour your feelings. I had the old school way of dealing with grief ingrained in me, and truth be told, going into the 6-death date of Jason, I still struggle with this and fight the fact that some days the grief wants to surface, and I’m not somehow magically healed or still feel the pain of Jason’s loss. This has led me to really struggle with being present in my grief in these past couple years. This so-called belief I’ve let myself believe to be true about grief, led me to really struggling these past few months with everything in my life. But finally, this week after recognizing my destructive pattern I was creating for myself and getting sick to top it all off, I started to allow myself to disassemble this belief I held and start re-building.

Grief is powerful and encompassing and never truly dissipates. But I wasn’t taught that, and I didn’t want to believe that grief would intertwine with every aspect of my life. It lingers in the shadows, patiently waiting for moments of vulnerability to resurface. Time has lessened the intensity, but the pain of loss remains etched within the deepest recesses of my hearts. I didn’t want grief to be a constant companion, and walk beside me, reminding me of the irreplaceable void left behind in my life and my boys’ life. And the continued truth is it seeps into my daily live, intertwining with memories, triggering bittersweet emotions that catch me off guard.

When summer hit, I told myself I was taking time off from my work as a grief coach to spend time with my kids. Which is true, but if I’m being completely honest with myself, I was also trying to protect and distract myself from what seemed to be bubbling up and felt very uncomfortable. Then a few weeks ago, they went back to school and while I did get back to work, it didn’t feel authentic, and I felt resistance and self-sabotaging came creeping in. Procrastinating for hours at a time, saying I’ll do better tomorrow. But I didn’t. Then I ended up getting sick and being in bed for two days. My body’s way of saying enough! “You are going through something really hard right now and you need to rest so you can finally break down this resistance you’ve been carrying for so long.”

I put the stigma that society has about grief on myself. Denying any emotions that came up around my grief and stuffing them down, telling myself “I’m done with that, it’s been almost 6 years.” Even though I know better, even though I teach others to never deny your emotions! I still did it, and guess what. It started seeping out into all areas of my life.  Denying my grief was like attempting to contain a mighty river with a flimsy dam. Despite my best efforts, it could not be masked indefinitely. When we push away our grief, bottling it up within ourselves, it inevitably seeps out into all areas of our lives. Like a poison, it infiltrates our relationships, clouding the connections we have with our loved ones.

It silently eroded my emotional well-being, leaving me drained and exhausted. I was unable to fully engage in work or other activities that once brought me joy. The denial of grief subtly influenced my behavior, triggering anger, frustration, and sometimes even apathy. Resentment was growing within me, souring my interactions, and corroding the very essence of who I was. By denying grief, I was denying myself the opportunity to fully heal, and in doing so, I inadvertently allowed it to spread its insidious influence throughout my entire existence.

So, what is my next step? I need to forgive myself. Forgive myself for not knowing better, for thinking that I had to be fully done with grief. Next, I will be grateful for the old version of me for going through that experience, so the new version of me can become stronger and learn from that experience.  

Then I will start giving myself permission to feel my grief again, to know I don’t have to ever fully be done with grief. That it will always bubble up at times, especially in the fall for me. So, at those times, I give myself grace. I let myself feel, I listen to my body, and I express and release my emotions so that I don’t continue this poisonous cycle any longer. It will take time, it will take patience, but from all my experience with grief, I will continue to get through it all.

In acknowledging the persistent presence of grief, I honor the love that once thrived. It is through embracing the ache that I slowly unburden my soul, finding solace in the intricate web of emotions that grief weaves. That is the truth of grief.