Celebrating Love and Memories: Honoring 10 Years with My Late Husband
It has been a decade since I walked down the aisle, hand in hand with Jason. As I look back on our wedding pictures, it brings many fond memories of that day and today will forever be a day that I cherish. It also feels like a whole different lifetime to me. Which is maybe why when I woke up this morning, it wasn’t even the first thing I thought of…. what does this mean???
Grief is an intricate dance, and its steps can be unpredictable. In the early days, guilt often intertwined itself with my sorrow, as if it were an inevitable companion. It seemed almost disloyal to indulge in moments of happiness without him. I’ve talked about this with a lot of grievers, and so many of us associate our pain with our love for them. So, when the pain lessens, the guilt rapidly creeps in. Theres a sense of betrayal towards our loved one, as if moving forward suggests forgetting or overlooking their significance. Moreover, society's expectations play a role, as some perceive grieving for a longer period as a demonstration of love and loyalty. Additionally, the guilt may emerge from self-judgment and a fear of being judged by others. Individuals might question whether they are "allowed" to let go of their anguish or worry that others will view their healing process as callous or insensitive.
Understanding that guilt is a common emotion during grief's trajectory helped me navigate this emotional terrain with greater self-compassion and acceptance. I was able to start realizing that healing does not invalidate the love and memories that I had for Jason; rather, it is a testament to the resiliency of my human spirit.
Now six years in, I have come to understand that honoring his memory does not require me to feel guilty. With the passing years and through healing and self-reflection, I have come to learn that guilt is an unjust burden to bear. It is a weight that only hinders the healing process and obstructs the fond recollections of a love that was once shared. Time has also taught me that I can keep moving forward with my life and it is not a betrayal to him. Honouring 10 years with my late husband is an opportunity to reflect on the beautiful moments we encountered during our short time together. It allows me to cherish the growth and strength I have developed as an individual, as well as the grace and fortitude that emerged from the depths of grief. These milestones remind me that love transcends physicality. Instead of dwelling on the absence, I choose to focus on the presence of his memory in my life and know it signifies a deep understanding that life is for the living, and I owe it to myself and our shared legacy to find solace in the memories while embracing the present. So today, I refuse to let guilt overshadow the profound connection we shared and will honor the past, celebrate the present, and continue to honour him by living a life that would make him proud.